Etiquette for the Socially Conscious Bride or Groom

Managing Costs

• Reducing the cost of the reception

How can I reduce the cost of my reception, but still have something meaningful that everyone will enjoy?

First of all, meaningful doesn't mean expensive. Neither does polite: etiquette never asks anyone to go broke. I think that, in many ways, meaning at a wedding arises from a sense of community, from the people that you are close to participating in an important part of your lives.

Do you have friends who are good cooks and would enjoy making the food? Or, while I do not recommend turning your wedding into a potluck, you could ask several friends to bring some of the food. Do you have an aunt who is a baker and could make your wedding cake? Can friends help with set-up? Take pictures? Act as logistics coordinators on the day of the wedding? Play music?

If you have time, you can make things by hand: invitations, centerpieces, flower arrangements, food, the dress. Be creative! For instance, instead of renting table linens, which are expensive, you could buy lengths of remaindered cotton from a fabric store. They make pretty table coverings, and you can reuse them.

You can also reduce costs through timing. People generally eat less—and drink a great deal less liquor—at lunch than at dinner. And if you have a simple mid-afternoon wedding that ends by dinnertime, you need feed your guests no more than cake and tea.

Ultimately, what people will remember about your wedding is not how much money you spent, but how it felt: were people happy? Did the guests feel a part of the wedding? Was it fun? If you can achieve that, your guests (and you) are certain to have happy memories.

• Inexpensive centerpiece options

What are some less expensive centerpiece options?

Almost anything can be a centerpiece. My wedding, which was not formal, was in my somewhat mosquito-plagued back yard. In the center of each table, we had a large citronella candle in a pretty terracotta pot, which was extremely useful and attractive.

Some ideas are:

• Shallow vases with candles and a blossoms floating in them.
• Pretty rocks in water.
• Attractive small potted plants. These can easily be decorated—wrap the base of the pot in foil and tie a ribbon around it.
• In the winter, artfully arranged fir boughs and pine cones.

Be creative!

• Asking family to share expenses

I've been on my own for a long time. Is it OK to ask my family for help paying for the wedding?

It's OK to ask, as long as you ask for a contribution they can reasonably afford, and as long as you are willing to take no for an answer.

The Guest List

• Cutting the guest list

Cutting the guest list seems so brutal, but we just can't accommodate everyone. Any ideas on where to start?

First of all, have you tried to cut costs in other ways? The people are the most important part of a wedding, and if there is anyone you really want to have there, do try to make it possible.

If you are tempted to cut down your guest list so you can have a really nice site, or fantastically elegant food, I wouldn't. Which is not to say that everyone you have ever met has a right to be there: just that you shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings or fail to invite anyone who clearly should be there.

So who do you have to invite?

You must invite anyone you have given reason to expect that he or she will be invited. This generally, though not always, includes your immediate family.

People who are in the same category. If you invite one aunt or uncle or first cousin, you should usually invite the others. There are exceptions, of course. You may only know one of your cousins.

You must invite all established couples together. You do not have to invite your best man's most recent fling, but you must invite your friends' steady partners, fiance/es, and spouses.

There is a great deal of latitude here. A small wedding is always acceptable. (A small wedding is a wedding to which the person with whom you are discussing it is not invited. No fair telling someone you haven't invited what an enormous wedding you are having.) A family-only wedding is fine. Inviting immediate family or close friends only is fine.

You do not have to tell anyone to bring a friend. You do not have to invite any co-workers--or anyone else--that you do not have a social relationship with. You should think about who you will regret not having had there. Good luck!

• Inviting children

I love my friends' kids, but I'm not sure I want them at my wedding. Suggestions about how to handle this?

Don't invite them. People, including children, who are not on the invitation are not invited. This does mean not inviting any children, or any children below a certain age: no fair only inviting some, but not others. When parents ask about bringing their offspring, explain pleasantly that you are not having children at the wedding--you know that theirs would behave beautifully, but some of the others wouldn't.

• The groom's family

We are trying to give our daughter the nicest wedding we can afford, but our future son-in-law's parents are pressuring us to invite more guests. We really can't afford to have that many! What should we do?

There are two issues here: your right to put on a wedding that you can afford, and the groom's family's right to be represented at the wedding. I can't tell from your question whether they are demanding to have mass numbers of people present, or making an otherwise reasonable request. If it is the latter, talk to them--confess that you can't quite afford that many guests, and ask whether they could chip in. Or scale down the wedding. Having the right people at a wedding is more important than having a spectacular site or a four-course meal. On the other hand, if the groom's family is being unreasonable, tell them you can't afford it. If they won't listen, keep telling them, politely, until they offer to help pay or give up.

Socially-Conscious Etiquette

• Environmentally conscious weddings

How can I make my wedding environmentally conscious?

Here are just a few ideas: Have your invitations printed on recycled paper. Give your guests information about the wedding (names of hotels, transportation options, local scenic attractions) on a website rather than by sending out stacks of paper with each invitation--or send the information only to invitees who have said that they are coming. Minimize the amount of driving your guests will need to do: have the wedding at an accessible site, or hire a van to shuttle guests there. Donate leftover food rather than throwing it out. Don't register for things you don't need: give your guests the option of giving donations in your name instead.

• Asking for donations instead of gifts

How do I politely inform my guests that I would prefer donations instead of gifts?

If your guests ask you what you would like as a wedding gift, you can express a preference for donations. You should not do this so strongly as to give the impression that you will be offended if you get anything else; some guests will want to give material gifts, and not everyone will want to support the charity that you have selected. And whatever you get, whether you like it or not, write a thank-you note!

• Gift registry limitations

I don't want to look greedy, but I'm wondering how many gifts I should put on my registry. Should I think about balancing out the prices?

How many gifts you should register for depends on how many people you are inviting. You can expect a great many more presents from 250 guests than from 50. Yes, you should balance out the prices, and give people a variety of prices, as well as items, to choose from. And remember, what can make you look greedy is (probably) not the size of your registry, but how you tell people about it. Most of your guests will ask if and where you are registered. Wait to be asked!

• Thank-you notes

I've always been lax about writing thank-you notes, but I'm turning over a new leaf. What should a thank-you note look like?

What a nice question! A thank-you note need not be very long, but it should describe the pleasure the gift has brought you, as in "What a lovely surprise on a wet and dreary day to find a parcel from you in my mailbox!" or "The beautiful dishes you sent us have made our dinner parties so much more elegant!" This carries more weight than "thank you for the present." In fact the note should not start with the words "thank you."

Even if you did not like the present, you must appear happy to have received it. If the present consists of money, you can describe what you bought with it, and thank the giver for that. It should be signed by one person, but refer to the other: "Janet sends her thanks with mine." Any finally, and most importantly, your thank-you note must be prompt.

I'm pleased about your new leaf, since expressing thanks to someone who took the trouble to send you a gift is always mandatory—and rewarding; people are ever so much more generous when their generosity is acknowledged, and when they know their past gifts have been successful.

Relationships

• Handling the pressure

How do my fiancée and I keep the pressures of wedding planning from tearing us apart?

As you begin planning, think about what is important to each of you. A big wedding? A small ceremony? Terrific food? Having a lot of posed photos? People not noticing the photographer is there? Having certain flowers or linens? Talk to each other about the details of the wedding, and plan a wedding that will make both of you happy. Consult each other before making decisions, and tell each other what you're doing.

Give yourselves enough time to plan the kind of wedding you want, but not enough time to turn the planning into a major piece of your lives. Pick a few things that are especially important to you--the flowers and food, or the pictures and your dress, and focus on them. Don't obsess endlessly about every detail!

Make sure to have set times when talking about the wedding is not allowed. Keep going on dates. Don't try to make the wedding perfect; try to make it a day when both you and your guests have a good time, when something going wrong (and something usually does) won't be a tragedy. Plan a wedding you can afford, rather than one that will put you into debt or severely strain your finances. People will offer you help: take it.